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Neil D

When the future/possible Son in law askes

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Neil D

Ok, I gotta asked....

When your son proposed, or when your daughter was propositioned [! :o], did the son-in-law-to-be ask permission of the parents first? Or did he just ask the daughter and as an after thought, ask you?

What's your opinion on this subject? Should he ask the parents? And from the parents perspective, is it a formality? Is it a rite?

Is it a time to build in-law relationships more so than before? [Let's face it, the mother in law jokes are there for a reason, but do you really want to be the butt of the joke? How do you work at it? Do you work at it?

What if the in-laws have concerns about the prospect, is this a time to help get those concerns be resolved? Is the marriage a marriage of familys or of a couple of people?

And yeah, there is a possiblity of marriage, but please don't read too much into the questions that I am asking.......

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Amelia

I happen to know that my STBE asked my father before he asked me.

If the parents are asked first that shows the honoring of the father and mother. IMHO

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Beryl

Well, my one and only son-in-law asked my 16 year-old daughter before he asked us, but he knew he had won over his future in-laws before! They waited until my daughter had completed High School, then went on to the Sydney Adventist Hospital to take up her nursing training, and when Graduation day arrived we had travelled right across Australia to be there for that occasion, and to stay on another week for the wedding! My daughter had been offered a position as Staff Nurse following graduation, and so they stayed on in Sydney. Fourteen months later we made another trip across Australia in order to welcome our first grandchild into the world. Five months later they made the long road trip across Australia, this time to settle near to us. He has been a good son-in-law.

Beryl

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Jeannieb43

We should all be so lucky as Beryl!

(But I feel sure her daughter had learned what qualities to look for in a future mate, long before they even decided to get married.)

This is an interesting question - because I think it's always harder to give our daughters our blessing, to marry someone we think is possibly less than perfect, than it is for our sons (who will probably take the initiative and marry when and whom they wish, anyway!).

I think the best advice for our sons is for them to get to know their girlfriend's parents early on in the relationship. That way they'll be more comfortable with them when the time comes. It seems as though the actual "asking" is done of the girl first, and then as a formality, of her parents very soon thereafter. But it doesn't need to be on bended knee; in fact, if both the girl and guy "ask" together, it would seem to me to be the best.

It depends on their ages, too. If they're adults [and especially if they're paying for their own wedding], they don't "ask," they "inform." But in a nice way.

The main thing is: The girl's parents should never be the last to find out! They should be given the courtesy of being the very first to know the news.

SO many things have changed, these days. Different from the days of Emily Post!

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there buster

Quote:

did the son-in-law-to-be ask permission of the parents first? Or did he just ask the daughter and as an after thought, ask you?


We have two daughters, one is engaged, the other not yet. Also, we have a married son. He and his wife have given us two lovely grandchildren.

Our SIL2B literally asked for my "daughter's hand in marriage." As I write this, my wife and daughter are driving from Iowa to North Carolina to welcome him back from his final tour od duty as a Marine.

I've worked my whole life with young people. All parents ever have is "moral suasion," or influence with their children. When they're small we think we have more power, but in fact, we're either increasing or decreasing our influence all the time.

If we have chosen wisely, they will seek our counsel when they get old enough to make their own choices. If we have squandered our influence on non-essential conflicts, we will have little influence left when it comes time for marriage.

Quote:

Should he ask the parents? And from the parents perspective, is it a formality? Is it a rite?


If practical terms, that will have been decided by the young people involved. As parents, we can insist, but it would be wise torealize we cannot force compliance. Even if we succeed, for a time, the conflict will resurface elsewhere.

Quote:

Is it a time to build in-law relationships more so than before? [Let's face it, the mother in law jokes are there for a reason, but do you really want to be the butt of the joke? How do you work at it? Do you work at it?


Absolutely. I want to have a continuing healthy relationship with my daughter, and access to my grandchildren after that. So that has to start now.

In the case of my SIL2B, it will require quite a change for me. He's a Marine, and wants to be in law enforcement, specifically in SWAT and hostage rescue type situations.

He collects firearms. I've never fired a gun in my life. Already we've had some good conversations together. At one point, he said, "Wow, we're going to have some great times at the firing range." That's how he feels most comfortable relating to other men. So I'm going to learn to shoot (skeet shooting, I think).

Do I have any desire to buy a shotgun and learn to shoot? Not at all. But I do have a desire to have a good relationship with my SIL, my daughter's husband. So I will learn.

For the record, he's SDA, and I think my daughter has made an excellent choice. But he's 24 and she's 21. If I didn't agree with her choice, they could still get married without my permission.

If I don't treat them as adults, and honor their choices, it will cost me in the long run.

Quote:

What if the in-laws have concerns about the prospect, is this a time to help get those concerns be resolved? Is the marriage a marriage of familys or of a couple of people?


Suppose my SIL2B's mother doesn't want him to get married to anyone. He's 24, my dauaghter's 21. How can that be resolved? If we have concerns about the SIL2B, whether they can be resovled depends upon our relationship with the couple, and tha nature of the conerns. Some of the ocnerns might be resolved, provided both sides are willing to listen, and a reasonable resolution is possible (Obviously, they either get married or they don't-- those outcomes are mutually exclusive, and no resolution of such opposites is really possible).

There are always concerns, because parents love their children and want the best for them. Some are so serious that they need to be addressed. Others must simply wait. But then, that's the way it is all of our children's lives.

There are no rules that cover every situation, only principles of action. It requires alertness and care, and must be played "by ear."

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Gail

Well, neither of my husbands asked my dad for my hand in marriage

It might have been a good thing... When I finally told my father about my first marriage (I eloped), he swore

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Naomi

Okay Neil, I gotta ask. Is there an event coming up that we would find of interest?

As for asking permission. I think it is a charming old custom but in today's world is more of a formality than a real request. OTOH, if the bride wants Dad to pay for a very large wedding it would probably be a good political move. <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

From what I've observed if a parent objects very much to the marriage it will happen anyway and the parent who disaproves may well miss out on some important times in the new families life.

Cheers!

Naomi

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Neil D

Quote:

Is there an event coming up that we would find of interest?


Yes there is, but it is not for me to announce it.... frown.gif

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